Mind bondage-2

I found myself feeling as if the words the other women spoke were my own. Their answers were so similar to what I myself would have said. I realized that we were all related in a way. We had a common culture and a common reaction to it.

“Julie, how have your masturbation habits changed since your insomnia?” Hector asked. I froze at the mention of masturbation. To me, it was one thing to talk about sex in a vague way, but to talk about sex with oneself was wrong. I never even liked to think about the fact that I had ever masturbated, even when I was doing it. I felt myself withdraw internally.

“Well, I used to masturbate regularly, but not a lot. Now, I find myself lying awake in bed and just touching myself. The weird thing is that it doesn’t feel good anymore,” Julie answered without a trace of self-consciousness. My discomfort increased at her matter-of-factness. Even though Hector turned on to other subjects, I still felt stiff and awkward.

The talking session, as promised, went on all night. I never felt as connected as I had before the things turned so frankly sexual though. I felt aloof from the group. It was as if I could see them all bonding, shutting me out in the process. I kept drinking my tea to stay awake and answered questions when I was asked. I got caught up in dreading being asked something so sexual that I wouldn’t be able to answer, but somehow Hector never asked me those questions.